"Think of the Happiest Things"

Most nights at 1am, I'm painting and relatively happy about it. But for some reason tonight, I'm just completely frustrated with this particular art piece - so much so that it is bringing me to tears.  I find myself spitting out all sorts of swear words, and I'm running on about four hours of sleep (which probably explains my minor emotional breakdown).

I figured I would just take a break, get my heart rate down, and turn to my blog instead.

So here is what I'm thinking about...

Last night, my husband told me we can train our minds to think positive thoughts. And the more we train our brain to think "on the bright side," the easier it becomes*.

I used to do that all the time as a kid.  I kept a journal and wrote about all the happy things in my life.   I was never jealous.  Or bitter.  Or sad.  I enjoyed everything (with the exception of math class). Nothing was a competition, and I embraced being different.

But recently, I feel like I've done the opposite.

By allowing my mind to stay in a constant state of insecurity, self-doubt, and negativity, I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself:

Pressure to do well, have a steady job, keep in contact with a million people.

Pressure to make a lot of money, travel to new places, paint better things, be thinner.

Pressure to be more educated, keep up with social media, possess more stuff, discover new talents.

Pressure to be happy and in motion ... all the time.

And it's exhausting. I don't want to feel that way.

In the midst of running around trying to juggle a million pressures at once, I keep focusing on all the skills I lack, physical features I don't possess (but wish I did), and material items I don't own.

And that's heartbreaking that I would treat myself in such a terrible way.

So why on earth am I striving for perfection? Who am I trying to impress? What is my end goal here? Because I'm just hitting a wall.

So my goal is to train my brain to think happy thoughts.

Will thinking happy thoughts fix any problems I'm facing? No.

But it can't hurt.

So tonight while I was painting, I kept tearing myself down and counted all the mistakes I made. So I'm going to write some happy things instead:

I matter. I love people. I got my cat a Christmas stocking. And I'm really excited about it. Purple paint makes me happy. New friends are fun.  I wore two different pairs of panda socks today.

It's so easy for me to listen to the voices in my head reminding me of flaws, but I'd like to make an effort to switch the tone from negative to positive.

If you are beating yourself up, think of the happiest things* and comment them below if you'd like <3

Okay, back to painting.

xoxo catie bee

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*Not a simplistic response to profoundly complex disorders such as anxiety or depression.